Written by Katia Grobecker, paediatric nurse and children's emotional wellbeing specialist.
Most of us didn't grow up talking about our feelings. So when it comes to teaching our own children about emotions, it's no wonder we're not sure where to start.
In my work with children, the point I come back to most is this. Children feel everything from very early on: excitement, worry, happiness sadness and anger. What children don't always have are the words.
No child is born knowing that the hot, tight feeling in their chest is called "frustrated". Someone has to tell them.
Why a word helps
There's a phrase from Dr Daniel Siegel, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child: "Name it to tame it." For a child, a feeling with a name is easier to handle than one without. It stops being a big, shapeless thing and becomes something the two of you can talk about.
Naming also helps children join the dots between body and feeling. A racing heart, sweaty palms, butterflies in the tummy. Is that worry, or excitement? Once a child can tell the difference, they start to notice their own patterns, and that's where learning to manage feelings begins.
Something to try
Put feelings into words, in passing, every day. Both what you see in your child and how you feel yourself.
- What you see. "Are you frustrated that your tower fell over?" You might have it wrong, and that's Ok. Children will often put you right ("No, I'm sad!"), and that's your child naming the feeling for themselves.
- From the journal: Each day starts with the Journal Buddies. Six characters, six feelings, and children point to the one that fits. See inside the journal
- How you feel. "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, so I'm going to take a deep breath." Children learn by observing, much more than by being asked to do it themselves.
Sometime when you're not sure what's going on, wonder aloud. "I wonder if you're feeling nervous about your test today." It isn't a question, so there's no pressure to answer. You're suggestion a feeling that fits with the moment.
- Stories and role play with toys help too. It's easier for a child to talk about how the bear feels than how they feel. In role play the feeling belongs to the toy, so children can try it out from a safe distance.
Introducing these conversations, in passing a few words at a time is how we can help children learn that feelings are normal, and that they pass.
The Little Moments, Big Feelings Journal is an easy way to weave these conversations into your day, and gives your child a space where it feels safe to talk about them. See inside the journal £12.99, or 2 for £22.